Faith in me
by sahraisadarveyfan
Summary: 8x15. Harvey and Donna are discussing what Donna did. Telling the truth to Thomas. What if Hardman never came and interrupted them?


Hey guys! I'm Sahra a newborn Suits writer. For my first fanfic and as an ultimate darvey fan I decided to rewrite one of the most powerful darvey scene ever written. At first this story was written as a present for my dear friend Gabriela who told me to published it, so here I am. I really hope you will like :). Don't hesitate to give me your thoughts, opinions and advices in the review section. (I am already planning to write others fanfics in this style so get ready)

Before diving in, I want to thank my betas that were absolutely awesome. So thank you Prathama and Jane for your support and my fairy Elle without whom this story will not be understanable. Sending you a lot of hugs, love you so much girls!

Have a nice time while reading this.

\- Love, Sahra

* * *

**Faith in me**

_She told him, she told him everything_, he said to himself.

Alone in his office Harvey is reliving the moment when earlier this day Alex told him that Donna, the most loyal woman he knows, a woman who knows him for thirteen years, betrayed him to protect another guy.

It's not the fact that she told Thomas everything, that hurts him, it's the fact that by doing that she was proclaiming that she chose Thomas over him. He knows damn well that it's not fair to blame her for what she did, she tried to protect his business and he knows it's what she does, protect people. But he wished she listened to him, that she had given him a chance to fix it, to do good for a change. He was pissed at himself, to not have seen this coming in the first place. The hurt cut more profoundly when he thought about the fact that she didn't tell him, that he had heard it from someone else. She hid it, like she had hidden her relationship with Thomas. The woman who had no secrets from him like he had no secrets from her, was walking away to share her secrets with someone else, someone who wasn't him.

And at this precise moment he started to slowly realise that he has always wanted her to choose him. Whether it was Mark, Stephen, Mitchell or Thomas, he had known that far in his heart there was a tiny voice screaming, _pick me, choose me, love me_, but that he never told it in real life, told her, too afraid to be rejected, to not be what she needed or wanted, to not be what she deserved.

"**Harvey"**

Hearing his name, from the voice of his favourite person, the one who stood by his desk for twelve years, the woman he was just thinking about, he was forced to stop thinking about _if she had chosen me. _He looked up to see Donna standing right in front of him, in a long dark purple dress, knowing she had to justify herself for what she did, her face reflecting sadness and upsetment.

He didn't want her to see how much he was hurting by what she did, so he did what he always does in those kinds of situations. He put on his pride face and started to use the anger he had against him on her.

"**Donna, ****Simon fired me as he had every right to do it, because I TRUSTED you to keep your mouth shut but you didn't.''**

"**Because I couldn't."**

"**What the hell does that mean?"** he knows perfectly what she was about to say because he knows her damn well.

"**It means that I wasn't going to let someone I care about get screwed, when I had the power to stop it."**

_Someone I care about; _this special sentence was resonating in his head. _She cares about him_. In front of that he started to feel something, a feeling he learned to know over the years, but as usual he decides to continue to act like he doesn't feel anything. For her.

"**In other words, you choose him over the firm,"** as soon as this came out of his mouth, he regretted it because he knows that she always putted the firm over her, for a decade now.

"**Yeah I did and I'm not going to feel bad about it, because I ALWAYS put the firm first. Whether it's Mike's secret or Coastal Motors, or a thousand other things."** She was so upset at him for telling her that she put herself over the firm. Every time she did, which happened three times, it's always ended bad for her. She thought that with everything they went through together, he would understand that she always has been loyal to him and the firm. That after everything she did, does and will do, she deserves to put herself first, more often.

"**Then don't feel bad about it Donna but get out of my office!"** She was true about everything as always. But he knew that this conversation wasn't going to end well if they continue to argue. _She chooses him over me_.

"**Argh okay, I see what this is. I see what you really are upset about." **

"**I'm upset because I lost a client."** _I lost you._

"**No! You're upset because I choose Thomas over you."**

That's right; he wasn't upset because he lost a client. The fact that she understood even if he didn't admit it, just confirmed what he already knew. She knew him, more than he would ever know himself, but she chose to know someone else. _She turned her back on me._

It was something he never thought he would hear one day. The cold, hard truth. The one thing he always feared. The moment where she would admit that she chose someone over him. This revelation made him feel like she just slapped him in the face. This time it was different than with Stephen or Mark. When it happened, she chooses them for a little moment but admit right after that she will choose him over anyone, but this time she didn't. However, she owns her choice to not choosing him. And hell hard this fact is for him to swallow.

"**Is it what you think?"** even if he owned this truth, hard as it was, 12 years of experience made him continue to pretend to not feel anything

"**Yeah it is!"**

He can't control his emotions anymore; he is just a heartbroken man who sees the woman he loves getting away more and more every second. He can feel his sweaty eyes, his throat getting dry from the pain and a wave of emotions.

She seems overwhelmed but not for him, because of him. He knows that now. She just wants to cut him out of her. To be able to live her life without having him as a burden.

Finally, in one second, he understands. He understood her, why she did what she did. Because he did it once, with a woman who told him to choose between her and Donna. At first, he chose her because he wanted to forget about his long-time feeling for the woman who was COO of his firm. To finally move on. He wanted to give a chance to another possibility and do everything to make it work. So much, that he chose Paula over her to escape from this reality. But unlike her, he came to his senses and the fact that he wanted her in his life no matter what. No matter what choice he needed to make. He would always choose her. Donna.

"**Then you don't know anything. Because the only reason I was breaking my back to save his deal was because I know how much he means to you. If it were anyone else, I never would have told you or Alex in the first place!" **

"**Then why are you so mad about?"** She was tired. Tired of always seeing him, expecting her to understand what he wanted to say without saying it, like she was a mind reader, because he is too afraid to speak about his emotions. She just wanted him to put himself in her position and understand why she did that. But like always, he didn't.

And then the blockage broke. He was so tired trying to hide his feelings, to hide what he was keeping inside for so long. He would respect her relationship, but he has to give her a little bit of truth, about what he felt. That's why he let himself say:

"**Because you didn't give me a chance to fix it when you said you would. You lost faith in me. For all the time we have been together that is never happened."**

Now, it was her turn to feel like he slapped her in the face. She saw his vulnerability, like he never showed it. Not even when she told him that his dad passed away, did he let himself show how hurt he was. She saw the pain and tears in his eyes and at this precise moment, she felt something.

For a second, she finds herself this night, years ago, when Harvey and her were in her apartment having dinner, the night when he said the three words, she hears sometimes in her head.

"_If anyone ever loses faith in me, it doesn't matter. But with you it's different." _

She knows he is hurting right now, and she hates herself for being the cause.

"_For all the time we have been together_"

"_Have been together"_

"**Harvey. If there is anyone in the world I have faith in, it's you."** He is her world; she chose him a decade ago. How could he think that? Think that she lost faith in him. When he is the only person on this goddamn Earth she can rely on and trust. She knows he will always be here for her, to protect her.

"**But the clock was striking midnight, and I had to make a choice. And it's just a client. Can you understand that?"**

She knew that she needed to choose. She will have to choose. Because she can't have them both. Harvey tried for a long time to have her and another woman, but it never succeeded. He chose her every time. Now she must do the same. The question was _choosing loyalty or new possibilities?_ The decision was hard, she wanted everything, both of them.

Thomas was this man that seems to understand her, it was like seeing herself but in a man's body. He knows what to say, when to say it, where to say it. He gave her what she hadn't had the chance to have for years now. Affection. Because she was a woman with power, charisma and who kept a huge place for work in her life. The men she had before were afraid of that side of her, they didn't have the confidence to have a significant other that had that much power and was a workaholic. Thomas was different at this point, he understands her. Her dedication for work. Her love for her work. And learned to like her with everything she came with.

_He can be the man I want to spend a long time with._

Harvey was completely different to Thomas. At first, when people meet him, he is an arrogant I-know-everything, selfish and heartless man. But during thirteen years at his side, she knows that it's just a facade to protect himself. He is caring, protective and he is willing to lay down in front of a train for people he loves. He knows people better than they know themselves. He knows her. Like no one ever did.

He was perfect for her, but he has a huge emotional package, that he doesn't know how to deal with it.

Like she told Rachel years ago, she is willing to start something with him but like years ago he is not ready, and he will probably never be. But even if the sentimental side wasn't possible, she was aware that he was special for her.

He completes her.

Like Yin and Yang.

She was the light.

He was the dark.

Together, they were like a supernova turning into a nebula.

_He is the man I want to spend my life next to. _

She doesn't want to be a Donna without a Harvey. She doesn't even know who a Donna is without him. She doesn't know if she is going to like her or not.

She loves how she feels around Thomas, but she loves being around Harvey.

And now she is lost.

"**You know he is not just a client," **he said in a whisper.

He is more than that and that was what made it even more complicated. They know it, when a case is mixed with emotions, everything goes out of control.

"**Harvey, I couldn't see him get screwed when I had the power to make it stop. This man built his entire company with his bare hands. Why can't you understand when it's your goddamn job to protect people's companies. I only did what you do every single day!"**

"**If you had waited for me, I would have solved his problem. What you did just complicated the whole motherfucking thing." **

"**Then, why could you not solve it? You lost clients in the past. A lot of them. Why now is it different?"**

"**I don't have solutions for every problem Donna. I'm not God."**

At this precise moment, she saw. She saw how much he was suffering. He was standing up like he had to take care of everybody's problems.

He lost faith in himself because he thinks that she lost faith in him. Which she didn't.

The only thing she wanted now was to touch him, so badly. She wanted to show him the support he needed. She wanted to show him that she never lost faith in him. Even during dark times, she never did. Never.

She made a step forward. She desired to be closer to him.

"**Not you are not. You are Harvey Specter. In the law sphere it's the same".**

His heart made a leap when he heard how she said Harvey Specter. Since the first day, thirteen years ago, hearing her say his full name, made him feel things. There was something in the way she said it, that gave him power, made him feel special. He missed this feeling. She stopped doing it once Thomas came into their story. He missed being with her.

_Specter Paulsen._

_What? Why am I thinking about the sound our last names together would do?_

"**Why didn't you wait until the last second? You gave me your word, but you did it anyway. You stopped having faith."**

"**I had to make a choice. Either protect Thomas's business or wait for you." **

_Everything I did those twelve past years were waiting for you, I realise that now I can't anymore._

"**I chose the first option because I was able to react, I did what was right."**

Right now, it's so difficult for Harvey to analyse the situation. When she was speaking about Thomas, she was confident but when she was speaking of him, she was emotional. He didn't know what to think about this whole thing. The only thing he was capable of thinking about, hurt him.

_She lost faith in me._

_She chose him. _

So many unspoken words were present. Neither of them were able to speak up about what they truly felt or think of.

A long moment passed where Harvey was looking away, thinking of her as she was watching him, waiting for a reaction.

She was about to leave, tired of the same endless situation, where she is trying to get him to confess and where he doesn't react, unable to process his emotions and share them with her, when she heard him say something she never thought he would say one day.

"**You can leave me," **he said quietly, head down.

"**What?"** she said surprised. _He didn't say you can leave, he said you can leave __me__. What is going on again? _

He looked up with an intense look and said:

"**You can leave me. You need to live your life Donna, a life where I'm not a burden."**

She was so confused and shocked.

The look he has on his face. This look she only saw once but broke her heart for a long moment. The one he had when she left him to work for Louis and he swallowed his pride to ask her to use her two weeks' notice. Pain, sadness and regret. That's what his look looked like back then. Now it's pain, sadness and surprisingly determination.

"**You really think you're a burden to me?" **

_Don't you remember that I chose you 12 years ago? I chose to make you a part of my life. I fucking left a dream for you! Acting was my entire life and you came with your Macallan 18 and changed my life forever. I chose to have you as a burden._

"**Why are you saying that?"**

"**You never apologise for who you are, Donna. I don't want you to start. Never. You made a choice that I don't want you to feel bad about, but you can't protect both of us." **

_You chose to protect him. I can't be around to see you do it every day._

As much as this decision was difficult and rushed, Harvey was determined. He always wanted her to be happy because to him, she was the person on this planet that deserved the most. Seeing her in this emotional state, made him think about all of those moments when he spoke to her in a bad way, where he made her cry, upset her, drove her crazy. When he was the one hurting her. This situation and her act to protect Thomas made him realise how much she is happy with this man. She put Harvey a million times before her, and it's time for her to do it every second of her life.

Even if this decision looks selfless, she is kind of selfish in a way. By giving her, her liberty back, he protects himself by seeing her be happy with another man. A man that will not be him, because he thinks that he will never be what she deserved and aspired to have.

"**Protect both of us? What the hell does that mean?"**

"**Donna, don't…"**

"**Harvey! I am so tired of you never telling me what you think when emotions are part of the problem. You better be saying them right now or I'm leaving you forever. Do you hear me?"**

He always had this issue with admitting his feelings. He had an emotional blockage since his teenage years due to family issues.

At this moment, Donna was desperate. She wanted to know what he was thinking, why he said that she could leave him. She wanted to have the kingdom, the key and the king but because of his mental blockage she couldn't access any of those three things, even if she wanted it more than anything at this very moment.

"**Do you remember when you were working for Stephen years ago, how I made you choose me because I wanted you to only be mine?"**

_Be mine? Who does he think he is? I'm not something to possess. I'm a goddamn person. With emotions. Argh, he will never stop driving me crazy. _

"**I'm not your possession, Harvey. I have the right to give myself to someone else!" **she interrupted him.

"**I know that, Donna. That's why I'm giving you the chance to go, to leave, live your life. I don't want to force you to choose me again. I want you to choose the other opportunity. You deserve to be happy."**

She was dazed. He wanted her to go, to leave him. He wanted it. He wanted her to make a decision, for a problem she doesn't have the answer for, yet. But most of all, he wanted her to choose Thomas. She was stunned to see him so altruistic about this situation.

When you love someone so deeply, you are capable of seeing the truth and making a good decision for the other. Because love is selfless. But it's also painful.

Although, they both don't see that profound love they have for each other.

But even if he gave her a door to leave, he didn't ask her if she wanted to. She loved her job and this firm. Plus, the people who work here are her family and she doesn't want to leave her precious world. She doesn't even remember how their discussion came that far.

Her relationship with Thomas was serious but now she is questioning it.

It's like she is coming back to that night where someone chose her faith at work for her. When Paula told Harvey that he needed to stop working with Donna, if he wanted to keep their relationship. Now it's her turn, to choose between work and love. And she starts asking herself if Thomas was worthy to risk everything she worked hard to have.

"**But I can work for you and be with him!"**

He is truly happy for her to have found someone who is capable of loving her like she deserves but his heart cannot hold up with how she is speaking about her relationship with Thomas.

_Be with him. _

Even if she has some doubt right now, she knows that she really likes Thomas and she wants to see where their relationship goes, because she knows she could do it, but someone will be hurt.

She is one hundred percent sure about that. The question was, who will be?

_Am I ready to hurt him that much? _

"**You can't because it's going to hurt you. I'm done hurting you. I want you to have what you deserve"**

"**Why are you saying that? I had relationships before, and I always was able to manage work and personal relationships. Why is this time different for you?"**

She doesn't get why he doesn't trust her ability to separate personal and work life. She was a master at this, he knows it better than anyone. Like when 12 years ago, she decided to forget forever the other time. Even if she sometimes finds herself thinking about it. How he was gentle, careful, listening. She found another facet of him that night. She learned how it was to be loved and cherished by him. A face she would have been able to learn to love if it wasn't that complicated between them.

At this moment both were in their own thoughts, thinking about how one was about to hurt the other.

Donna with her choice to leave Harvey for Thomas. Harvey by telling her the truth about the real matter of this problem, of which she was the main cause.

_He is taking too much time to respond, there is something._

"**Is there something you're not telling me?"**

He looked her in the eyes and said:

"**Because this time my license is in the line"**

_What is he talking about? _

For the one hundred and forty-fifth time in the past hour, she was lost and confused. Not a usual Donna feeling, for the woman who was known for knowing everything, it's destabilizing to be in the midst and be unaware of what was going on.

"**Your license?" **

"**Yes."**

"**What are you talking about? Why is your license in the line?"**

She didn't know it, but by telling Thomas what was going on, she broke privilege, a fault that can get you disbarred. Harvey was upset with her at the beginning for her betrayal, but he forgot that Simon will know everything and will try to attack his license because of all of it. Now he knows it and he wants to protect her at all costs.

He was scared by this new problem, but he will not show her how much. It was enough to admit to her that she was the cause of this to make her feel bad about herself. She would not accept to go after that. She must do, for her own happiness. She always saw the wars within him and not only she chose to stay, she chose to stand by his side to help him fight them. But she now needs to fight the battle of another man.

"**In no way should what I'm about to tell you change the fact that you have to leave me."**

"**Who said that I am going to leave you? I love what I do here, Harvey. I fought, and I deserve to be COO. I love this firm and these people are my family. What makes you think that I want to leave? You can't force me to leave! Stop acting on my behalf!"**

"**Donna, you have to…" **

He wanted to go home and drown himself in whisky to forget all of this. She wanted to dig and dig to know everything, but he was so tired. All this sadness, emotions and fear were started to tire him out. Add to all of that, the fact that he was going to lose her.

"**Tell me what is going on." **

She didn't want to discuss this matter more, he was convinced she was going to leave, and she started to be tired, to fight over this.

"**By telling Thomas that Simon was using him to have another deal, you broke privilege." **

"**So what?" **

"**Simon is going to hire a lawyer to sue me and take away my license."**

"**No! He can't do that!"**

"**He can Donna and he will…" **

"**So, you are saying that because of me, you are going to lose your job and everything else?"**

"**We will find a way, don't worry."**

But by the way he said it, Donna felt that he wasn't convinced. Her heart broke again. It was the second time she saw him not having faith in himself, not being confident, within two hours. And she was the cause, one more time.

She was devastated by this news. It was one thing to hear him telling her to leave him, but it was a whole different situation to hear that she was the one who was going to destroy his entire world.

He tried to reassure her, but he wasn't sure himself. For the second time in his life, he was scared about the future. He was feeling the same fear and distress he felt the day before the outcome of Mike's trial. But even if he was afraid, he was sure about one thing. Even if he is in jeopardy to lose his career, he will do everything in his power to protect her. If it means sacrificing his job for her, he will. In any world, she would take the blame for her fault and he would be there to be sure about that.

She means everything to him, and he can't risk her.

She is the woman of his life, she accepted him for who he truly is. With all his flaws. That's the true meaning of love. And the reason he always chose her. Over every other girl. She is the blood that flows through his veins. Without her, his life doesn't have meaning.

_I can't risk her._

_Never._

"**What is your plan?"**

"**I don't know I need to think."**

"**Tell them it was me!"**

"**No way."**

"**WHY? You are not going to risk your license for me. You fix my mistakes every time. Now I need to claim them." **

_You mean everything to me, and I will not let you down. _

"**I will find a way Donna, like always," **he was so tired, she could read it on his face. It was too much for him.

She hoped with all her heart, that he will find a way and save his career.

_Working here without him, will not make sense_.

He is the reason she stayed here. She can't see a law firm named Zane Specter Litt without her Specter walking into the office. She will do everything in her power to protect him. It's what she's done for a long time, and she will continue to do, no matter what.

She began to move towards him slowly.

She felt the need to be closer to him. It was a need. She wanted to show him support but also love. Because she does love him. No matter how long and profoundly she hides it, in her heart she knows it. There is no one in this world that make her feel what she feels for Harvey Specter. It's during these vulnerable moments that she realises it, before quickly forgetting them, because it hurts to remember things you can't have.

"**We will find a solution Harvey. We will. Together. You have my word." **

They were close now. Each one could smell the perfume of the other.

Sandalwood and amber for him. Roses and white musk for her.

_I hope so Donna._

Harvey's eyes translated fear and tiredness. Hers were only determination and affection for him.

"**I will be at your side no matter what."**

_Our one last con._

In Harvey's head it was war. A part of him was upset about him saying to her to leave him, and the other was peaceful to know that she will be there for him.

He wished this relationship wasn't so complicated. That she would choose him.

She wanted him to understand that she will be here for him, like she always has been. That she will not go. That she chooses him.

She is still confused about Thomas and the whole situation, but the only thing that was important right now, was him.

She needed to feel that he understood her, and stop being afraid of her leaving him.

_Fuck rules and boundaries._

She took one last step forward.

Looked him in the eyes.

Asked for his permission silently.

She saw how tired, hurt and scared he was.

Her heart broke a little bit more.

They were two souls trapped in a storm, of pain and problems.

Unspoken thoughts.

Undeclared love.

For 13 years.

She wanted to kiss him so badly, but she remembered the mess it caused the last time she dared to do it.

He wanted to kiss her, but his mother past that haunted him for 25 years now, prevented him from doing so.

Instead of that.

She hugged him.

In such a tender way.

It was like this famous night.

They lost themselves in the arms of the other.

Savouring this moment.

As precious and rare as it is.

It felt like a safe place away from the harsh reality.

Because they always were each other happy place.


End file.
